Alien Attempt

I wrote this a while ago, and it still makes me giggle. I think it would be a good little one-act play for high school students to put on.


Alien Attempt
There are tables with refreshments and decorations set up on the stage, a conservative orange and black. They are the only sign that this is very simple and classy Halloween party.

Alien 1 and Alien 2 have worked together for years and are comfortable with each other. They walk awkwardly, but try to appear confident. They can be either boy or girl.


Scene opens with a group of high-handed yuppies chatting with each other.

Yuppie 1
Hibernation? I thought you said habituation!
Everyone laughs and there is a bit more small talk and jokes. The group breaks off into two or three smaller groups. Off to the side, out of view of party, are two aliens. When they start talking to each other the party still goes on, but very quietly.

Alien 2
I don’t know if we can achieve our mission goal!

Alien 1
Shape up! We have to infiltrate the human culture and find out more about their habits and limitations. It’s the only way we will be able to effectively enslave them!

Alien 2
I know the mission. Here’s your human suit.

Alien 1
Inspecting it as he puts it on.
This suit isn’t the style we decided on.

Alien 2
These are just as good; we didn’t have enough money in the budget for the name-brand ones you chose last week. You should have run it past the treasurer first.
Alien 1
Well I didn’t expect to spend so much on luxury meals on the way here.

Alien 2
I have a delicate homeostasis! I can’t upset it, especially on a stressful mission like…

He trails off as Alien 1 steps confidently out of their hiding place and towards the group. Alien 1 walks towards two yuppies drinking punch.

Alien 1
Well, how about those Yankees? Am I right?

Yuppie 2
The Yankees? Who cares about baseball anymore? How about our Kentucky Derby winner? You’re probably new, aren’t you? Did you know that Paul over there owns “Unofficial Winner?” He won by seven lengths, and they’re expecting him to take the Preakness and the Belmont, which would be a feat as you know. There haven’t been many triple crown winners, have there? Around three?

Yuppie 3
I think there have been closer to ten; I was thinking there were around seven or so.

Alien walks backward nodding, horribly confused and slightly frightened. He huddles once more with Alien 2

Alien 1
Perhaps our investigation of their culture should have been more in-depth, He started talking about some sort of contest, and owning a winner…

Alien 2
Ridiculous, you just have to act confident, that’s the key.

He walks up to a group of yuppies standing by the punch bowl; they all have cups in their hands.

So, I understand you have a slave that runs in races for you? “Unofficial winner?”

Yuppie 4
Oh great, we’ve got another animal rights activist here, listen, my horse gets the best care around, and

Alien 2
Oh no, I didn’t mean to-

He stops short as his arm starts acting strangely, he attempts to continue talking while holding his arm down. He talks louder to cover it up.

I simply meant to congratulate you on your-

He can’t control his arm anymore and it flips up, knocking Yuppie 7’s glass into his face. He backs up hurriedly into another yuppie, spilling her drink as well.

I apologize…profusely. I was so excited at the prospect of getting liquid refreshment that I-

He steps to the table to fill a glass with punch and realizes that he cannot with his arm still acting strangely. He looks around, cornered, and takes a sip straight from the bowl. Straightening up he smiles brightly to the yuppies, bowing and nodding as he backs away.

Alien 1
Did it go well? You looked great.

Alien 2
I don’t know, my suit began malfunctioning.

He begins to hum loudly, causing several yuppies to glance his way. He first tries to silence the humming, but when that doesn’t work he pretends he is doing it on purpose. He starts dancing to the humming, an awkward, strange dance that is punctuated by his arm spasms. The yuppies look away and Alien 2 relaxes although he still hums and has an arm that flies about occasionally.

That was it again, my appendages don’t function correctly and I can’t stop making this odd noise.

Alien 1
You weren’t doing that on purpose? It looked terrific. I think the humans really enjoyed it.

Alien 2
You think so? I do have a knack for it. Why don’t you make one more attempt?

Alien 1
That female over there looks promising.

Alien 2
Go see what you can find out. I’ll watch from here.

Alien 1
I’ll try something I saw a young man say to a human female once to gain her trust.


Alien 2
Good, use it.

Alien 2 has forgotten to hold down his hand and it springs up hitting him in the face. He still feels supremely confident in his dancing and hums while he boogies a bit longer. Alien 1 saunters over towards the woman, he is very stiff and formal in everything he does. Halfway there his leg stops working. He almost falls, but catches himself and tries to inconspicuously drag his leg behind him.

Alien 1
Pardon me, but you enjoy water?

Yuppie 5
Excuse me?

Alien 1
Are you fond of water?

Yuppie 5
Well, yes, I guess so.

Alien 1
Then you are fond of 87% of me.
He laughs stiffly and awkwardly tries to put his arm around her. She is disgusted, and stomps off to join the group of yuppies that had the punch spilled on them. She begins whispering and pointing towards Alien 1, they follow by whispering back and pointing towards Alien 2. The aliens are terribly worried, and they huddle to reevaluate their situation.

Alien 1
This isn’t how I pictured humans acting at all. They don’t fit with our label of human behavior at all.

Alien 2
Me either. I think we must have hit upon some sort of mentally unbalanced fringe group.

Alien 1
How are we supposed to explain this to the committee? They are set for take-over in mere days! And we still have no idea as to human weaknesses.

The Aliens glance up at the yuppies worriedly and begin talking quietly so that we can hear the yuppies conversation.

Yuppie 1
Mr. Pyre must have invited those ridiculous people. I don’t know why he even comes to these functions. Does he think that he actually plays a role in the functioning of this company? I can’t wait until he retires and ownership of the company is passed onto his son.

Yuppie 5
I’m sure we all feel that way. At least he hasn’t arrived as of yet.

Yuppie 3
Thank goodness for small favors. I can’t stand that man; his atrocious accent grates on my nerves.

Yuppie 2
He doesn’t seem to realize that he is a grown man and can’t go about playing at ridiculous games anymore.

Yuppie 3
Perhaps we will have gotten a spot of luck and he has forgotten about our end of October social.


Mr. Pyre
Enters dressed, acting, and speaking like a vampire.
Count Dracula has arrived! How is the punch tonight ladies? To die for?

The crowd groans in response to his entry and no one wants to speak with him or acknowledge his arrival. The Aliens have begun to leave, but at Mr. Pyre’s arrival they turn back in surprise. They are thrilled at this turn of events.

Alien 1
Count! That is a term of leadership, is it not?

Alien 2
I believe it is, and did you hear the respectful buzz of admiration as he entered the room?

Alien 1
Look how they all worshipfully avert their eyes!

Alien 2
What luck! Let’s see if we can connect somehow with this leader!

The Aliens walk up to Mr. Pyre as he drinks his punch alone.

Alien 1
Pardon me, good sir.

Mr. Pyre
Yes? How may I help you fine young men?

Alien 2
We, ummm, very highly admire you and were curious if we could have a few moments of your time to, ahhh, learn some of your…. secrets to success.

Mr. Pyre
Of course! Why don’t we exit the room for a moment to have a bit of privacy?

Alien 1
Wonderful.

Aliens are deliriously happy about this turn in events. They make small talk as they leave; Alien 1 furiously jotting notes on a notepad.

Alien 2
So the only thing that can hurt you is a silver spike through the heart? And you can’t stand garlic?
Aside to other alien.
Are you getting all of this?
Back to Mr. Pyre.
And you can’t go out in daylight? Fascinating… Now, what role does a coffin play, did you say?

Exit.